


Almost

by queen_scribbles



Series: Astrid Hawke Canon [7]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 10:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11400510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_scribbles/pseuds/queen_scribbles
Summary: Sebastian receives a letter from Varric after Astrid goes to help the Inquisition





	Almost

_Choir Boy--_

_I have something to tell you that you should probably sit down to read. Trust me. Sit. Hard as this is for me to write, I know it's going to be twice as hard for you to read._

_Hawke's dead. See why I wanted you sitting down? I don't know all the details; I wasn't there, but apparently she was helping the Inquisitor and Stroud with something relating to the Wardens and Adamant Fortress. The group of them wound up in the Fade, and according to Lavellan, Hawke sacrificed herself fighting some huge spider-like Fade monster so the others could escape._

_I know this is hard. But the best I can give you is she died being one hundred percent_ **her** _. And that she loved you. I know you and I don't see eye to eye on just about everything, but we both cared about her. So I figure she'd want me to tell you._

_For whatever good knowing that does._

_\--Varric_

He stared at the hateful, crumpled letter on the table as if his glare could set it on fire and burn away the horrible truth along with the dark ink and parchment that conveyed it.

Dead. Astrid was dead. No matter how many times he read the words, his brain refused to process them. This was a nightmare. He'd wake up and she'd be back and everything would be fine.

_"I'll be fine," she'd assured him. "I know you're busy, and this is nothing I can't handle by myself. Honestly, it'll mostly be consultation work, maybe a tiny side of adventuring. Perfectly safe."_

If he'd known that would be their last night together, he would have put all his talent to work showing her how much he _loved_ her.

If he'd known her kiss goodbye would be the last time their lips met, he would have savored it, held her tighter, called her his fiery lass just to watch her roll her eyes before kissing him again.

If, if, if. A man could drive himself mad lingering on the ifs. And as the sobs rose from deep in the hollowed spaces of his heart, part of him wished for the emotional death of madness. Not feeling would almost be a relief. Almost.

It was funny, he mused, that a short note in Varric's bold hand had him even more of a wreck than a crimson explosion thundering against Kirkwall's skyline. He winced. Those dreams would be back tonight. Only he would be losing Astrid alongside Elthina, not waking to her comforting touch and caring green eyes.

He pushed away from the table with a growl, pacing the length of the hall and trying to call to mind an appropriate section of the Chant. For the first time in his life, the words didn't come easily, swirled and jamming together like logs down a river.

Dead, dead, dead, his footsteps mocked instead. Your wife is dead.

Dead, dead, dead.

Your wife is dead.

All of his rage and pain truly condensed to three words he'd been convinced--hopeful--he'd never have to string together in his lifetime. _Astrid is dead_. The reality of it stole his breath and swept his legs from under him. The tears finally came as his knees hit the floor.

Great, heaving sobs that rattled his chest. Breath tangling in his throat.

Gone. She was gone, really and truly never coming back. What was he going to--

"Da?" the small, high voice sounded confused.

Sebastian raised his head, coming face to face with a green-eyed toddler, cheeks smeared with chocolate. "Eilidh? Shouldn't yu be nappin', sweetling?"

She shrugged, rocking on her heels. "Can't nap wiffout a bedtime story. Why're yu sad?" One small hand came to rest on his cheek. "Mum an' I don' like it when you're sad."

He forced a smile, swiping tears from his eyes. _Blessed Andraste, how do I tell her?_ "Is that so, mah sweet girl?"

"Uh-huh." Eilidh clumsily brushed her hair back from her face. "Ken yu read me a story, Da? Nurse's too busy an' maybe it would make yu not sad?"

Sebastian forced the grief to a back corner of his mind, widened his smile, and scooped the girl up as he stood. "It's worth a shot, aye?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" she cheered, wrapping her arms around his neck. With her warm breath tickling his neck as they walked, Sebastian could almost believe this was Just Another Day. Almost.

One--mercifully short--bedtime story later, Eilidh's eyes were heavy with sleep. Just before drifting off, the little girl rallied enough to ask one more question.

"When's Mum comin' home?"

Sebastian closed his eyes to fight the tears, kissed her forehead, and-- _Maker, forgive me_ \--lied to his daughter for the first time in her life. "I'm not sure, sweetling."

"Hope 's soon. I _miss_ her." With that final comment, the dark haired girl snuggled in and fell asleep.

His mask cracked, and all the bottled up agony flooded Sebastian's face. "So do I, sweet girl," he whispered, pulling her covers up to her chin. "So do I."

He almost made it back to their-- _his, now_ \-- room before he broke down.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in the immediate aftermath of my first time through Here Lies the Abyss, where the little voice in the back of my head going _"You know Astrid would consider it her responsibility to stay and fight the Nightmare. You **know** it."_ won. Oh, god did it hurt. I love her so much, and I had a firmly established headcanon that she and Sebastian have a three year old daughter(whose name is pronounced Ay-lee), so I felt like a monster of the highest degree leaving her there.


End file.
